Faithful & True Ministries Newsletter

Space is still available in our January Men's Workshop

Workshop Dates: January 24-26

Our Men's Workshops are a cornerstone of our ministry, and a key turning point in the lives of the many men who attend. Our next workshop will be held January  24-26, and there is still space for more men to attend. (The next workshop will be February 21-23.)

Men's Workshops are three day events of teaching and small group interaction led by Dr. Laaser designed to help men break free from compulsive sexual behavior. The focus of the workshops are not just on strategies to stop the behaviors, but on getting below the surface and understanding the needs and hurts that drive them. Workshop participants will leave with a deeper understanding of themselves, new motivation for change, and a plan for recovery.

We now supplement our workshops with optional follow up recovery coaching. Since many of the men who attend the workshops come from other parts of the country, recovery coaching - which is done over the phone - can be a helpful follow-up strategy for those who don't have access to local sex-addiction recovery resources.

Training event for clinicians and pastors coming next month

Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction - Feb 28-29

Deb Laaser's new book "Shattered Vows" comes out this month

Great resource for wives available


Deb Laaser's new book from Zondervan Publishing is coming out later this month. Keep checking our website ... we'll have it posted as soon as it's available. We're very excited to offer this great resource of wisdom and support for the wives of men who struggle with addictive sexual behavior. Here is an excerpt from Zondervan Publishing about the book:

Infidelity doesn't have to ruin your life-or your marriage.
 
If you have been devastated by your husband's sexual betrayal-whether an isolated incident or a long-term pattern of addiction-you need to know you don't have to live as a victim. If you choose to stay in your marriage, you have options other than punishing, tolerating, or ignoring your spouse; in fact, extraordinary growth awaits a woman willing to deal with the pain of her husband's struggles with sexual purity. Even if a spouse will not participate in a program for healing, a woman who has been sexually betrayed can change her own life in powerful and permanent ways.
 
This sensitive guide provides practical tools to help you make wise and empowering decisions, emotional tools to develop greater intimacy in your life, and spiritual tools to transform your suffering. Debra Laaser's personal journey through betrayal, her extensive work with hundreds of hurting women, and her intimate marriage two decades after the disclosure of her husband's infidelity provide meaningful answers to the questions that arise amid the complex fallout of broken vows.
 
The pain endured from sexual betrayal can break your heart, but it does not need to break your life.

Eight rules for child safety in an age of sexual predators

In an age where child abductions and sex offender relocations fill the news, parents are justifyably concerned about how to keep their kids safe from adults who would do them harm. Here is a list of eight rules for child safety, published by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. They are couched in the form of affirmations that your child should be able to state and understand:

1. I always check first with my parents or the person in charge before I go anywhere or get into a car, even with someone I know.

2. I always check first with my parents or a trusted adult before I accept anything from anyone, even from someone I know.

3. I always take a friend with me when I go places or go outside.

4. I know my name address, telephone number, and my parents' names.

5. I say no if someone tries to touch me or treat me in a way that makes me feel scared, uncomfortable or confused.

6. I know that I can tell my parents or a trusted adult if I feel scared, uncomfortable or confused.

7. It's ok to say no, and I know that there will always be someone who can help me.

8. I am strong, smart and have the right to be safe.

This is an excerpt from a blog about sex addiction, recovery, and healthy leadership by Mark Brouwer (our director of training).

Seven signs that someone you know might be sexually addicted

How can one tell if someone you know is having trouble with sex addiction? While sex addicts will work to conceal their behavior, they usually exhibit some observable symptoms. People who live, work, or are friends with a sex addict might notice some of these.

1. Preoccupation with sexual behaviors

Sex addicts will first of all be preoccupied with their own sexual fantasies. This preoccupation leads them to search for sexual expression of their fantasies. They will devote more and more time to the preoccupation until they reach the point where sexual thoughts and activities are the central organizing principle of their lives.

There are many ways to observe this symptom. Is pornography of any type present? Does the person watch sexually explicit videos? Does the person notice or point out sexually oriented places like bookstores, massage parlors, or strip clubs? Do they do double takes of attractive people? Does their conversation seem to center on sexual activity?

Sex addicts may use sexual humor a great deal in their conversations. They may engage in frequent sexual teasing or telling sexual jokes, which in most contexts is considered a form of sexual harassment. Sex addicts sexualize most situations and see some sexual humor most anything. Sexual jokes can be used to recruit new sexual partners. Sex addicts can gauge the reaction of the person hearing their sexual joke, and if that reaction is favorable, the level of sexual engagement might be taken one step further.

2. Acting distant or withdrawn

As the pattern of sexual activity escalates, sex addicts seem more distant and withdrawn because they are preoccupied with their sexual activity, guilt, shame, and/or fear of getting caught. They are unavailable mentally and often physically to the people around them. They may seem distant or distracted. They may seem cold, and they may become angry if badgered about what they are thinking. Ask them what the trouble is, and they deny any problem. More and more, their work, activity, interests, and relationships suffer from lack of attention.

3. Depression and mood swings

Sex addicts may be alternately depressed and then excited, even giddy. In the sex addiction cycle the withdrawn character of preoccupation is followed by the excitement of the ritual or the chase - the high of acting out, and then the despair of shame afterwards. Asking them about these mood changes may elicit elaborate denials and perhaps anger.

Sex addicts try to avoid their feelings and avoid being found out. They create enormous defenses. If anyone asks questions that come too close to the truth or simply challenges their story, addicts can become greatly agitated. Their behavior makes them angry with themselves and angry with others. Past abuse issues that have not been dealt with also create hidden resentments and anger. Triggers that remind them of these past events may set off anger that seems unrelated to the importance of the event. Simple questions, insignificant events, or basic statements may incite an angry reaction that will surprise you because the reaction is out of proportion to the event.

4. Resistance to supervision or criticism

Since they hide a large part of their daily behaviors, sex addicts are not very open to criticism, whether or not it is constructively given. They may live with people who would very much like to correct their behaviors and who continue to turn up the volume of their criticisms in order to be heard. This simply drives addicts deeper into withdrawal, because they do not want their sexual behaviors to be challenged. Because sex addiction often consumes a great deal of time and preoccupies addicts' minds, their work may suffer. They may be gone longer than is necessary for errands or tasks, because they are engaging in fantasy, or acting out while they should be doing their work.

5. Inappropriate sexual behavior and/or sexual advances

If you know what to look for, you can likely spot a sex addict at a party, a grocery store, or even at church. They tell sexual jokes, they touch people in ways that don't feel right, they give too many hugs, and they are looking, always looking. Their eyes dart around the room continually, taking everything in. They follow certain attractive people.

As sex addiction progresses, inappropriate sexual behaviors get worse. Spouses should be aware that sex addicts will become increasingly frustrated with sexual activity in marriage. They may avoid sex altogether because of frustration or as a result of sexual activity outside of marriage. Sex addicts may make increasing demands for sex and certain types of sexual activity, or they may not be interested in sex at all.

An unaware spouse may feel guilty at not being able to fulfill the sexual desires of their partner. He or she may feel angry or repulsed by the demands put on them by their addicted partner. It is difficult for some Christian spouses to confront inappropriate sexual demands in marriage because they may assume it is their duty to be submissive. However, they need to assert their right to have sexual standards and preferences.

Once a partner becomes aware of what he is happening, he or she will realize that no amount of sexual activity or attractiveness will be enough to satisfy an active sex addict. Even if the sex in a marriage may seem quite good, he or she might not be aware of the partner's frustrations because the sex addict doesn't have the ability to articulate them.

6. Occupational, social, professional, and legal difficulties

As the sex addiction progresses, increasing amounts of time are spent thinking about or obtaining sex. This means less time for work, social life, family, professional responsibilities, or other obligations. Ignoring these activities is evidence that energy is being used somewhere else.

A concerned person should demand to know what is going on. Family members have a right to know because they are being hurt by the addiction. Employers also have responsibilities and other legitimate concerns. If work is ignored, jobs and income will be lost. Friendships or other social relationships will be lost. Unethical conduct can result in the loss of professional licenses or the ability to practice a profession.

If the illegal behavior is involved, a sex addict may be arrested and could go to jail. Many sex addicts try to explain away arrests - such as soliciting prostitution - as isolated events that won't happen again. These arrests are rarely, if ever, isolated. More than likely they are part of a long-standing pattern.

In situations before the addict experiences great losses and consequences, look for signs that the addict is ignoring obligations, duties, jobs, and relationships. Even if you discern sexual addiction, you might not be able to help a sex addict. Sadly, it appears that some of them need to experience consequences before they are willing to get help.

7. Intuition

The last symptom is observable not in the sex addicts, but in those who are in relationship with the sex addict. Be an observer of your own intuition. This means taking your own feelings and perceptions seriously, and not being too hard on yourself for ignoring them in the past. Often spouses, bosses, pastors, or friends of sex addicts have a sixth sense that something is wrong. This may take various forms and could simply be a combination of impressions from certain events. Friends and family may feel they are not getting the full or the real story. The explanations of sex addicts for where they were or what they were doing on a certain occasion simply don't make sense.

Trust your instincts and act on them. Looking the other way and hoping things will get better is not a caring reaction, for the sex addict is slowly dying, and things will only get worse.