Faithful & True Ministries Newsletter

Space is still available in our December Men's Workshop

Workshop Dates: December  13-15

Our Men's Workshops are a cornerstone of our ministry, and a key turning point in the lives of the many men who attend. Our next workshop will be held December  13-15, and there is still space for more men to attend. (The next workshop will be January 24-26.)

Men's Workshops are three day events of teaching and small group interaction led by Dr. Laaser designed to help men break free from compulsive sexual behavior. The focus of the workshops are not just on strategies to stop the behaviors, but on getting below the surface and understanding the needs and hurts that drive them. Workshop participants will leave with a deeper understanding of themselves, new motivation for change, and a plan for recovery.

We now supplement our workshops with optional follow up recovery coaching. Since many of the men who attend the workshops come from other parts of the country, recovery coaching - which is done over the phone - can be a helpful follow-up strategy for those who don't have access to local sex-addiction recovery resources.

Training event for clinicians and pastors coming in 2008

Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction - Feb 28-29

Top 10 signs that you are codependent

There is a fine line between being a kind, giving person, and being codependent. We used to think that codependents existed only in conjunction with someone else's addiction - but it is now understood as a problem in its own right. Also note that most sex addicts are also codependent themselves!

The biblical Martha, rushing around, choosing to be "cumbered with much serving," but becoming highly resentful while she does it, is illustrative of codependency. Of the symptoms below, some may simply indicate your generous and selfless nature. However, if they occur often enough to prevent you from living your own life, then think about why you do what you do. Some signs that may indicate codependency are:

1. You spend a lot of time doing things for others, but you also feel resentful about it.

2. You rarely do anything for yourself or spend anything on yourself beyond bare essentials. On a related note - and often as a consequence - you have forgotten what "having fun" feels like.

3. You find it easier to say yes (and feel badly about doing whatever you agreed to) than to say no in the first place.

4. In relationships, you treat your partner as well as you hope s/he will eventually treat you, and wonder why s/he doesn't follow your example. You allow this to continue indefinitely.

5. You find yourself sacrificing some of your values to fit in with how your partner or friends choose to live.

6. When friends and family are in trouble you see it as your responsibility to help them, even if they brought the problem on themselves, and even if they need to learn from their own consequences if ever they are to change.

7. You allow others to invade your boundaries because it makes you feel needed.

8. Even though your own life is in order, you attract dysfunctional people who immediately start to depend on you. You allow this.

9. You have difficulty thinking about yourself as central to your life. Even if asked about yourself, you somehow end up talking about the people who are in your life rather than about you.

10. If you were drowning, someone else's life would flash before your eyes.

This is an excerpt from a blog about sex addiction, recovery, and healthy leadership by Mark Brouwer (our director of training).

Talking to your kids about sex

Most parents raising children today would agree that sexuality should be taught at home rather than simply being left to their children's school teachers, peers, or popular culture. However, even parents with the best intentions to educate their children about sexuality and the Christian values they cherish are sometimes at a loss as to where to start, how much to talk about, and how often to talk

Even more perplexing to many parents is the challenge of modeling for their kids healthy sexuality in their own lives and relationships. Most adults in this fallen world have sexual dysfunctions and relational struggles of their own that defies simple solutions. How are they to teach their children about ideals they may have not achieved themselves?

Talking to children about sex is a frightening task. Not very many parents feel comfortable doing it. There is something about sexuality that is embarrassing and difficult to talk about intimately. It is more likely that we will talk about sex in teasing or joking ways.

I believe, however, that the greatest enemy of sexual wholeness is silence. Silence is one of the tools that Satan uses to prevent people from making healthy sexual choices. When I was growing up in the 1950s and 60s, my parents didn't talk to me about sex except for the traditional mechanical disclosure from my father, which came several years after I already knew about the biology of sex. None of my friends were hearing about sex from their parents either. None of us knew enough about sex to talk intelligently or maturely to each other. Even if we did, we were too embarrassed to have an honest discussion.

How I longed to talk to someone about the many overwhelming sexual feelings I was having! When I was 11 years old, I discovered that there WAS a source of information. A friend of mine bicycled over to my house on a hot summer day, eyes wide with the joy of discovery. He told me that I just HAD to follow him to the local drugstore. I was skeptical and it was hot, but he persisted.

When we got there he showed me, hidden in a wooden cabinet next to the magazine rack, a stack of the fattest magazines I have ever seen. I watched in utter terror as he stole one of those magazines. Back in the privacy of my garage, together we unfolded the first picture of a naked female had ever seen. The woman actually seemed to be smiling at me. All at once my brain was flooded with a mixture of fear, excitement, and sexual pleasure. It was a feeling I had never had before, one that I would pursue well into my adult years.

That same magazine also provided us with "advice." There were regular columns and letters about sexual experiences. Over the years we were like sponges soaking up the frank discussions about sexuality. We didn't know it then, but we were learning massive amounts of incorrect information about healthy sexuality. Even the cartoons in that magazine, which appealed to my childlike curiosity, were teaching moral lessons that I didn't question for years to come.

Can you imagine what it might have been like if that night at the dinner table, when my father asked me, "How was your day?" I could have said, "Dad, I'm glad you asked that question because I'd like to discuss with you some information I read about sex today in this magazine." I wonder what my reaction would have been if my mother had said to me one day, "Mark, I know you've been looking at those magazines in the garage. I'm not mad at you. I think it's normal for you to be curious about sex. I would like to talk to you about what women are really like and what healthy sexuality means to them."

My parents did the best they knew how to do. I don't blame them for their lack of instruction. I'm sure that no one talk to them much about sex when they were kids. As parents, they probably weren't talking to other parents either. When they were young parents, information about sexuality was nonexistent. There certainly weren't any Christian materials available.

In our ministry at Faithful and True, one of our goals is to help parents develop a lifetime of effective, age appropriate conversations with their kids about sex. This is especially important for parents whose marriages have been damaged by sexual addiction. Although it raises discomfort and shame for parents to talk about their sexual failures, doing so opens the door to discussions that equip children to deal with their own temptations, and prepares them to deal with other people they will encounter in the future who are addicted.

At our workshops, participants raise many questions about how to talk to their kids about sex. In response to the flood of questions I've been asked over the years about this, I wrote a book about the subject. If you would more detailed information about how to talk with kids about this subject in age-appropriate ways, you may want to purchase "Talking to Your Kids About Sex."