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| Dear Friend,
We hope your Fall is getting off to a good start. As you'll see in this newsletter, we have significant workshops and trainings coming up, as well as our writing projects that are ongoing. We're including a short excerpt from one of our forthcoming book projects (as yet untitled) with some "dos and don'ts" to keep in mind when confronting someone about sex addiction. |
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September Men's Workshop
Space still available for the workshop on September 20-22
Our Men's Workshops are a cornerstone of our ministry, and a key turning point in the lives of the many men who attend. Our next workshop will be held September 20 - 22, and there is still space for more men to attend. (The next workshop will be November 1-3.) See the other article in this newsletter for more information about these workshops.
Men's Workshops are three day events of teaching and small group interaction led by Dr. Laaser designed to help men break free from compulsive sexual behavior. The focus of the workshops are not just on strategies to stop the behaviors, but on getting below the surface and understanding the needs and hurts that drive them.
We now supplement our workshops with optional follow up recovery coaching. Since many of the men who attend the workshops come from other parts of the country, recovery coaching - which is done over the phone - can be a helpful follow-up strategy for those who don't have access to local sex-addiction recovery resources.
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Training Event coming up for Clinicians and Pastors
Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction - October 11-12
Pastors and therapists are struggling to find ways of helping people caught in the web of compulsive sexual behavior. Our vision at Faithful and True Ministries is to provide not only the best treatment available for sex addicts themselves but also training for the pastors and clinicians who work with them.
Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction is a two-day training event led by Dr. Mark Laaser. Mark will present his learnings from over 20 years experience of helping addicts find recovery in hospitals, treatment facilities, churches, and private practice.
In this seminar you will learn how to diagnose sex addiction, and various strategies and models for dealing with it ... both in church ministry settings and in private therapy practice. You will learn about the role of group interaction in recovery, and get ideas for how to implement sex addiction treatment into your ministry or practice. Therapists: note that this event is state-certified for 12 CEUs.
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What makes our workshops unique
Helping you understand our workshops better
Mark Laaser has been helping men recover from sex addiction for over 20 years ... and has led hundreds of workshops for men as part of that work. Over the years, Dr. Laaser has conducted workshops with a variety of organizations in a variety of locales, and now conducts workshops at his own counseling center in Eden Prairie, MN. What makes these workshops special?
Focus. Over the years, Dr. Laaser has worked to condense the material presented and the exercises conducted in the workshops. Aware that people are busy, and getting away can be a challenge for many men, Dr. Laaser has worked to pare down the workshops to focus on the essential issues, and cleared away any teaching or activity that was "good but not great." Starting with workshops that lasted a week, over the years he moved to workshops of five and four days ... and now three days. As Dr. Laaser puts it, "Today we are getting more done and providing more help in three days than we used to in five, because we have learned where to focus our time and energy."
Spirituality. Dr. Laaser has always been open about his Christian background, and sought to integrate the insights of the broader recovery movement with his Christian faith. While respecting the spiritual backgrounds of all participants, Dr. Laaser's workshops include insights from the Bible about the spiritual issues that need to be addressed in the process of recovery.
Followup. Workshops are a great way to start a recovery process, or jump-start a stalled one. But they are only effective if the insights gained there are lived out in the months and years that follow. Much time is spent in our newly-formated workshop helping participants create a recovery plan that includes support groups, counseling, and accountability. We also offer recovery coaching for people who are looking for ongoing support.
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Dos and don'ts when confronting a sex addict
Wisdom for spouses, pastors, employers, and friends who are called on to confront addictive sexual behavior *
Mark Laaser and Mark Brouwer are co-authoring a chapter in a book for pastors and denominational, parachurch, and business leaders about how to deal with difficult issues they confront. Their chapter is about sex addiction, and what follows is a brief list at the end of the chapter of "dos and don'ts for confrontations."
1. Do prepare before confronting a sex addict. Ask yourself some important questions about your motives and goals for confrontation: (a) Are you in a codependent relationship with the addict? If you need an addict's approval, you may not have the strength or objectivity to confront him or her on your own. (b) Is your own conscience clear in relation to sexual behavior? If not, be very careful about confronting someone else. (c) Will you be able to follow through with any intervention or ultimatums that you give as part of this confrontation? Don't attempt a confrontation if you are not strong enough to do what you say you will do. To that end, find out ahead of time where help is available, and how to get it. Collect a list of phone numbers for counselors, treatment centers, and Twelve-step fellowships.
2. Don't insist on the label of sex addiction. There is much confusion and baggage associated with this term that is not important to resolve in the early stages of recovery. In our work with clients, we don't impose this label. What matters is whether people acknowledge they are struggling to establish and/or maintain healthy boundaries in their sexual life. The label one chooses for the experience of powerlessness over sexual behavior is less important than one's willingness to ask for help and make the changes necessary to recover.
3. Do expect denial and minimization when initially confronting sex addicts. Since sex addiction is surrounded by so much shame, and since addicts live in fear of being found out, expect the truth to come out haltingly, and in pieces. It's very common for addicts to only tell "part of the story" when they are initially confronted. Then, as they gather more courage, they become willing to tell more. While this is frustrating, and further damages trust, understand that it is common. Work patiently to get at the truth, asking clarifying questions whenever vague language is used.
4. Don't blame the spouse for sexual addiction, especially if you're the spouse. Many spouses of sex addicts struggle with feeling responsible for the addiction. Often influenced by the blame-shifting rationalizations of the addict, spouses come to believe that if only they were more attractive or more sexually available, their spouse wouldn't have this problem. Not true! We remind spouses of what we call "The Three C's" - "You didn't cause this addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's not about you." As we've pointed out in this chapter, the sexual desires of addicts run deeper than the biological sex drive - they are looking for intimacy and validation that will heal their woundedness. No amount or variety of sexual experiences will accomplish this. The addiction was present before the spouse came onto the scene, and its presence says nothing about the spouse's lack of desire or desirability.
5. Don't attempt to rush the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a simple, one-time event. It is a process that takes time. Many spouses of sex addicts struggle because they feel they should forgive their spouse, but don't feel ready to do so. Or if they do extend forgiveness, they may continue to have feelings of hurt and anger, and not know how to express them. Both addict and spouse need to understand that the decision to forgive is different from the process of forgiving. The process of forgiving is much like the process of grieving: feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger will come and go like waves. Instead of being squelched ("I shouldn't be feeling this way"), they need to be accepted and heard. Then, over time, the waves will diminish.
6. Do find a place of support for the spouse as well as for the addict. The spouses of addicts need to find safe friendships - and ideally a safe group - where they can share their struggles and be heard. They need outlets for conversation and support where they can share their anger, so that their addicted spouse does not have to be on the receiving end of all of it. Without these additional places of support for the spouse, either the addict will be overwhelmed by the sadness and anger of the spouse, or the spouse will hold back their genuine feelings, and progress will be slowed. Spouses also need support for decisions they have to make about how to support the recovery of the addict, and how to deal with their marriage and family if the addict is not staying sober. Spouses need support as much as addicts.
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If you would like more information about any of these upcoming events, please go to our web site, or contact our director of training Mark Brouwer at (952-746-3885). Blessings to you.
Sincerely,
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Mark Laaser, PhD
Faithful & True Ministries |
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September 2007
